What if I started to hate you?
by Dove of Ages
Summary: Nothing will ever stop me from loving you, Haruhi!" ... Even if I started to hate you...?


_I updated my stories, so now I get the luxury of writing a oneshot... Enjoy what has sprung from my strange and slightly depressed mood...._

_ -.-_

Hikaru smiled at her. "Nothing will ever stop me from loving you, Haruhi!" His voice was warm, and his smile was happy.

Haruhi returned the smile, but couldn't stop the thought from entering her head, _Even if I started to hate you...?_

Even if I started to hate you....

The words banged around in her head, echoing as in bounced off one wall of her brain and returned to hit the next, sending waves of chills down here smile. Her stomach dropped. How could she even think that? How could she even dare to think that of someone she loved?

She didn't know. She thought about it. She mulled it over. And she became increasingly aware of how heavy her heart had become.

It's not like she was depressed, because she wasn't. And it's not like she was PMSing, because she wasn't. Maybe she was hormonal? She didn't know. But the thought wouldn't leave her alone.

It had been in the back of her mind for a long time now, though, she realized. It had slowly started to eat away at her brain cells, at her happiness. It wasn't that she wasn't happy, it's just that she was confused. She was happy. She loved Hikaru...

Or at least she thought she did.

She wasn't sure anymore. She almost didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to know the truth.

She didn't want to come to the conclusion that she no longer loved him.

Surely she wasn't fickle enough to fall out of love with someone so quickly? Surely not. That would be silly of her to do, and, quite frankly, impossible. It really wasn't possible for her to fall out of love with Hikaru. Not after everything they had been through.

Every secret he had he told her, depressing, horrendous, happy or completely surprising. He told it _all_ to her.

And she told him everything.... almost.

She told him that her dad was annoying and clingy like Tamaki.

But she didn't tell him that her dad annoyed her so much sometimes, she wanted to scream and throw something at him.

She told him that she missed her mother.

She didn't tell him that she missed her so much that she sobbed into her pillow.

She told him that school was hard, sometimes.

She didn't tell him that her grades were slipping, just a little.

She told him that she needed a hug.

She didn't tell him just how badly she needed a hug.

Maybe that was the problem, she decided. She was shouldering too much of the weight. She was letting him tell her all his problems, but she was keeping the ones she had to herself.

Was that bad, really? That was what she had wondered for a while. Was it so bad to want her counterpart to be happy, to feel like she had no problems? Was that terribly horrible of her, wanting to do that?

She had thought, maybe, that it was almost selfless of her, that she was doing something good for Hikaru.

But now, she realized, that that wasn't true.

_But, how will I...? _

She always halted the thought, but she subconsciously knew how it ended. How will I tell him. How will she reveal to him that she was keeping things from him? How would he react? Would he be angry and yell at her? Would he be sad and feel slightly betrayed? Would he be sympathetic and merely tell her that it was ok and he loved her?

How was she supposed to know his reaction? Even if she prided herself on knowing his favorite things. Like his favorite color (blue), his favorite ice cream (the most insane concoction of ice cream ever), his favorite place to be (with her), his favorite smell (strawberries and vanilla)... She knew his favorite everything! There wasn't much that she didn't know.

And he thought that he knew everything about her too. When she started listing his favorite things to herself, she realized that, no, that wasn't right. That was a shallow way to tell if you knew someone. That wasn't how she should pride herself.

She knew him, inside and out. His weaknesses and fears... She knew it all.

And yet he knew oh so little about her.

But suddenly, randomly, out of the blue, out of the randomness of her thought pattern, she didn't care.

She loved Hikaru.

He loved her.

Maybe she had some things that she needed to work on... Like trusting him enough to let him in all the way (trusting him enough to not hurt her) and realizing that he wouldn't judge her for the secrets she kept.

He had things to work on to, but that didn't matter to her.

She loved Hikaru.

And she would never stop loving Hikaru.

And that was the end of the thought of 'Even if I started to hate you?'

Cuz there was no way she ever could.


End file.
